She lays in her bed weeping. Thinking of all the wrong she has done to all her old friends and to her family, especially her father. He tries to reach out to her; makes jokes and fun, but she just takes it as silly banter, nothing more. He's always tried to get to know her better, but she's stayed a closed book. She has never truly let him in, even as a child. He has no skills to understand this strange creature that stands before him and struts around his house. He was used to the young child that always wanted to sit on her daddy's lap, but now she has turned into a foreign creature that he knows nothing about. He's tried everything he can think of, but nothing works. She thinks his jokes are lame and comments back with harsh sarcastic remarks that are completely unwarrented. She does not see how he's tried until too late, until she is about to leave him, to devestate his so called perfect life. He's going to see that she's not the person that he thought he knew. She's slipping away, and he has no control. She finally sees what he's done, but still cannot forgive him for all the hardships he's caused her. All the stress outweighs the good graces that he has tried to give back to her. It will take forever for him to gain forgiveness, but someday he will, when she is older and understands his place and reasons, and he realizes this fact and holds onto the hope that she will because that's all he has left to remember the old her. His little girl, the girl who's changed so much, too much. He does not know her any longer, she's become a stranger, his own daughter, a stranger to him.
I feel like everything around me is going so fast, yet I stand still, in a coma.
So many things are changing.
Smiles, tears, joy, and sadness, but I sit here and feel nothing.
I want to cry, but the tears don't come. My eyes are permanently dry.
I'm a mask, stuck in one feeling forever.
You try to touch me, to get me to reach out, but I don't hear you, see you, feel you.
I'm at a stand still, in a rut, a closed room with no sound.
Nothing here to make me Feel. Safe, yet stupid.
Forever I sit and ponder on what things could've been. If I had said something different, something vital.
I could've changed things, but no, I didn't, so here I sit and sleep without dreaming, without feeling.
I feel as if I'm in a large crowd of people and all I want to do is scream and slow everything down. Just stop and let me think about what's happening.
I wish I were them, the people that live their lives with no cares and have endless joy. They don't care about anything but living.
I have worries, stress, and sadness. And all of you are leaving me behind, in the dust I stay.
You won't look back, just go on with your lives and grandeurs and forget all those times we had together.
Those memories will be replaced by new and more exciting ones.
But for me, those memories are engraved in my mind. They mean everything to me.
To you, I am a figment, a small part of your life, nothing life changing and I will dissipate into the large void of your long lost memories.
I mean nothing.
I hate sitting at home and waiting for him to call and then knowing after about three hours of sitting there that he's not going to call.
Then getting really really angry and just deciding to keep on sitting there. I knew that he wouldn't call back, but the hope outweighed the anger at that point. Why do I talk to losers? Like really. People that lie and cheat and just aren't honest. I hang out with them. I don't know why I do, but I do. I need new friends. Well new love interests that is. Ugh I want to start over. A new way and a new life. Well, there are some new things that I kinda like, but there are definitely others that I could care less for. Like him right now. I'm over him trying to lie just to make himself feel better. It's not all about you really, get over it. He says he really likes me, but he never really shows it. He just makes me angry. I'm going to move on :)
All I need is my real friends and my photography, and of course my mom :) Haha I love her so much.
I really don't like my grandfather. All I've known of him is when he's not exactly completely mobile and all he does is sit around the house and feed on my grandma's willingness to do anything that he needs or asks for. It's so sad and it's one of the only things in my life that really makes me very angry. Staying with my grandparents is a joy and a dread. For one thing, I love my grandmother, I wouldn't give her up for the world, but with my grandfather, that's a different story. Everytime that I visit he's in a weeker condition and the bad thing is that I know that he's going to go soon and I have no symapthy, honestly put him out of his and my grandmother's misery. He's an old grump and for my whole life that's all I've seen him as, an angry old grump. I have no feeling except anger with how he treats my grandmother and what he makes her do. He tells her what to do. Everything for her to just get him a blanket and all this shit. What I really want to do is just yell at him and say GET OFF YOUR FAT ASS AND GET THE FUCKING T
So I haven't written in a while... I have a lot of things to say actually. Well, I'm in California right now just visiting my grandparents with my dad and brother. The first night we got in was a very enlightening night. Everyone came over for dinner and there was a lot of drinking involved, of course I didn't drink, but boy oh boy did my dad. He drank and ate like a pig. It was quite disterbing really. I have pictures to prove the whole thing. After a while he started to get a really big headache and I knew that he was in such immense pain, but in my opinion he had it coming. He sat in a chair and started to fade, he fell asleep in a little while and looked horrid. Then he went to bed... Well, the thing that was so enlightening about this experience was that I found out how depressed my dad really is. He's not the man that I grew up with. He's changed into this alien that I don't even recognize anymore. Something has changed majorly. He tried to drink away his sorrows and eat them away too, and it was a bit much for him to handle. I don't know if he'll ever do it again, but that night was really sad to watch. It was disgusting for me to see him do that to himself. The next day when he woke up he still felt horrible and I hope that he realized that that was the stupidest thing for him to ever do. I thank God that he didn't get all angry at anything. He probably wouldn't of been able to hold back all his anger and resentment any longer. One of these days he's going to explode. I mean I understand that it might have been this past week of hardcore working and whatnot, but really? I think it was all the build up over the years. I don't know what to do with him... It made me want to cry, but then it didn't. He seemed so different that I didn't relate to him anymore. He wasn't him enough for me to feel sorry for my father. He wasn't my father, he was a depressed man that was way too overwhelmed with life and greif to do anything but drink and eat away the pain. I can't relate anymore. He's gone. There's nothing left of the father that I once knew. He's changed so much that he's been completely erased. It's actually hard for me to remember what he was like before. I can't remember him happy anymore. All those memories were too far in the past that my long term memory blocks them out. All I see is what he was like when he first started changing. He's an over working, over eating, alcoholic now and I don't know what to do with him anymore. It's hard not to just let go... What bugs me the most is that he's not really talking to me like he used to. Which is what I initially wished for, but now I'm seeing that what I wanted was something that was completely the opposite. I want him to be the father that I've always had, annoying and over protective. That's all I've known and for him to become what I've wanted all along is weird and I don't like it. He's noticed that I want to distance myself from him and he's given me my wish, but is that really what I wanted in the beginning? I think not. I mean I want distance, but not completely gone. I still want him in my life; I've come to depend on him in a certain way and for him not to be like he was is now killing me. I feel so guilty now for all that I've wished upon him. I really do not like him that much, but I don't exactly want him dead! I mean that's a little harsh. But now that I'm thinking of moving to my mom's I know that it will be murder, and it'll be on my hands. I don't know what to do now. I just feel like I can't get everything that I want. Nothing is perfect and this situation is proving that statement. I just hate to see him this way. He's gone deep this time, and I don't know if he's going to recover fully. He seems fine now, but I know that he'll relapse sooner or later, he always does. I just hope I'm not around to see it and feel the guilt that I've inflicted upon myself. I realize that anything I do in life isn't going to make him happier or proud. He needs to do that on his own and I don't know if he can. He needs help. He really does, but he just doesn't see it. I hope he will sooner or later. He thinks he can tackle this whole thing on his own, but I know he's not that strong emotionally. He's been worn down all these years, and there's no coming back now. It's been a long trek downward and there's no climbing out of this whole that he's created for himself. Guilt blows.