?

Log in

callmemarion

Recent Entries · Archive · Friends · Profile

* * *
I am going to write until this song is done. It’s my favorite song, So Long, Lonesome by Explosions In The Sky. I just die during the piano parts. So beautiful. There’s nothing like a good piano melody really. How you can imagine the player’s fingers flowing across the keys. The piece practiced so much, and you can tell because of the love that is emanating from the piano. You envision the body swaying as he plays with all his heart, with everything he has in him. Just pouring his soul into his piano. And then the chorus where the guitar comes in and just plays along side the piano perfect harmony together. They play as equals there is no better player just two people that truly love their music and creating something extremely beautiful. Then the drums and cymbols to emphasize the song. Just utter beauty. I cannot stand sitting here and just listening. I need to close my eyes and imagine these things to really appreciate what I’m hearing and listening to. There’s nothing like a good song. One that’s composed, not really messed with in the studio, something raw and from the heart. Something where when it’s played you can tell how much that piece of music, that four minutes meant to the person that created it. You can tell by the power that the notes make. You can feel it down to your bones. Something that is just… so wonderful.
* * *
I want it to rain so that I can go out in it and enjoy the coolness of the water as it drips off the contours of my face and starts to soak into every crevice of my clothes. I want to become drenched in the tears of the sky. I want the rain to wash away all my worries and make them soak into the earth and wash away into the gutters. I want to let the water wash over my features and make my hair dark. I want to splash in puddles and make intricate designs in the pools. I want to watch the ripples of the raindrops falling dissipate into the outer edges of the puddle. I want rain.
* * *
Every light has its own character, like a person. Every light can be used in a different way. Some to see, some as art, some for comfort. A single light in the darkness can bring hope or despair. Light can be beautiful playing across your sheets when you wake as it cascades through the blinds a helpful reminder that the day has begun. It can symbolize the stop of work and the start of relaxation. Sabbath starts when the light from the sun’s rays recedes into the distance and is no more. Blackness holds nothing for anyone, but light… light can give. It can burn into someone’s heart. From forever being in darkness, light can bring life. As a baby is born, the first thing that this baby thinks is why is it so bright? The beauty of bringing this child into the world and the first thing it ever sees is the blinding light of life. Light is what you see when you die. The gates of Heaven greet you with a light only fitting for God. Light brings you into the world, and then takes you away, but not entirely. It gives you comfort after death to know that you have arrived some place beautiful. Light gives hope when the dark consumes. Light can bring beauty. Rainbows are a reflection of light. The way it dances through the trees on a windy day. The Golden Hour when the sun’s light is perfect. The golden color coming through and all you want to do is stare. Sunrises and sunsets entrance us. The colors that start with orange and yellow and then illuminate the sky until it is fully blue. Light helps to see colors. Without light, there would be no beauty, there would be no art, nothing would exist without light. Mountains, monuments, photographs would hold no value, they would be darkness like the rest of he universe. Stars would cease to exist without their light. Light is the driving force of life. Light is beautiful when it brightens up a room otherwise dull. The patterns it makes through windowpanes, the pure natural light that only exists at certain times, one will always remember it, and gasp. Trying to breathe in the light, the beauty of the world, the sun. Light drives life. Without light, life would be darkness.
* * *
Sitting in the dark. I look across the room and see nothing but black. A neverending tunnel that sucks me in. The only lights are the computer screen cascading flourescent blue on my face. The only sounds are Sigur Ros as they sing for my eyes to slowly close and the ticking of the continuous clock. Time continues even if you don’t. We sleep, eat, take pictures, go out, come back, think, everything in our little lives, but time plows on, it never stops for regret, despair, jealousy. It only pauses for the greater emotions, it gives you time to remember excitement, happiness, release, bliss, love. But then it goes on its merry way just ticking in the dark. No one is ever truly alone, not in life, not in death. There is always someone close enough at hand. Neighbors, parents sweetly snoring in their beds, the dog sound asleep at your feet, even the spiders and bugs that crawl through your house at night. You are never alone. Never. And there is never complete silence. There is always that distant ticking, that reminder that time is going on, and life is going on. It’s a continuous cycle of living. One dies, another is born. Time just goes… on and on. It will never end or begin. It just is. There in the background, in your thoughts. Lost time and time gained. Time for thoughts and time for actions. Time is the essence of the world. It’s there wherever you are. Around the world. Different time zones, but it’s there ticking away. Even in uncivilized communities, the moon keeps their time. It’s always there as a constant reminder that your life is slowly coming to an end. It shouldn’t make things rushed. Just go on your way and live your life, it will go on even when you’ve passed. You come back and start all over again, but time doesn’t. It’s here, with us all, right now, right where you are, right where I am. We share this. It surpasses language, culture, religion. Time is the universal language.
Current Music:
Sigur Ros - Takk
* * *
I sit listening to the instrumental sounds coming out of my computer speakers and I wonder how can someone make something so beautiful to listen to. I cannot believe one person could hold that much genius to think up and compose this… this gorgeous music. It’s indescribable. It makes me want to do something with my life, like I’m not doing anything worthwhile. I need to show myself that I am worth living, that I will do something to change the world. Change it for the better. I need this. I need acknowledgement. I need to know. Know that everything I’m doing in my life is going to a greater cause. Something has to be out there that I’m working towards to. Everything has to have a reason. It has to. If it doesn’t there is no reason to keep on striving. If it doesn’t even go anywhere. It just leads to a dead end. An end in a hospital bed when your heart beat finally stops. I don’t want that end. Just cold and lifeless. I need to know that there is something after. Something to work to. Something not to fear. I don’t want to fear it, but the world programs us to. To fear the unknown. But why? For what reason? If there’s something after, a bliss, God, Heaven, something. Then we shouldn’t worry. We should work and strive for it. To get to the endless serenity of it all. No fear, just bliss.
* * *
* * *
Falling asleep just as the sun rises, feeling comfort from the soft light that enters my window and plays magic shadows across my sheets. Falling asleep listening to the Mockingbirds sing their songs mimicking all the sounds in the world; lulling me to sleep. The soft gray blanket I pull up to my neck to keep the bad guys away, its warmth I feel as it covers my whole body, just my little toes sticking out the end because I’m slightly too big for my bed. I can still taste the mint of my toothpaste, the clean feeling in my mouth that beats no other. I start to think of lost conversations and lost loves. The one that got away, but the one I still want back, but will never get. Contemplating the good memories that make me smile and laugh. The one that I hope I will have forever. His face fills my mind, his voice fills my ears, his touch, his smell, and his taste fills my dreams. The only three senses that have not been filled. My imagination has to fill in the blanks that he has not. My whole body years for him to be next to me, my mind does it for me. I dream of him, every part of him. He fills my whole being, in my mind. I don’t ever want to wake up, I don’t want him to leave, but I know he never will… He never will.
Current Music:
The Album Leaf
* * *
A vacant house, no one here but me, listening to the sounds it makes. The walls creak, the refrigerator goes off then on again. The distant hum of the washing machine, the slow and steady breathing of the house. In and out. In a way it is alive, and it comforts me. All the familiar sounds. Even the crazy neighbors that play spanish music till all hours in the morning and the loud mufflers and sterios with the bass cranked all the way up in the cars that pass in the street. They don’t bother me, they just come together with everything else, the sounds of home. Home is a place that should be right in your mind. To come home is to live. The smell of left over smoke and chicken that was cooked in the ancient oven, the taste of those also. The touch of the dent in the couch where I always sit. It envelops me as it should. The undersized TV that only I know how to make work. And the laptop keys that fall naturally underneath my fingers. Everything in its place, home. It cannot be home to anyone else, just me. My own little sanctuary. Where I stay up late writing and taking pictures, pouring my heart out for all to see and read. This is where I stay, listening, feeling, smelling, touching, hearing, and seeing. I close my eyes and I am home.
Current Music:
Explosions In The Sky
* * *
Wake up, wake me up. I don’t like this dream I’m having. This nightmare that won’t leave. Pinch me, punch me, throw water on my face, something. I hate this. It won’t stop. I’m stuck in this re-run of all the bad things I’ve done. Running over and over again before me. I’m being made to watch. I want to change, I will change. I won’t do it again, I promise. Yes, I’ve said that before, but I will this time. This is the time for change, the time for everything in me to change. Life itself will change. I want something new. Something not this, not here. Anywhere but here. This dull-drum place that’s not going anywhere. I need to break out, break free. Help me.
Current Music:
The Album Leaf
* * *
Listening to foreign Icelandic tongues as I lay myself to sleep. Lay myself down for a long sleep, something like hibernation begins. I sleep for hours waking and sleeping just the same. Time passes, yet I do not. I stay the same, sleeping, just sleeping away the days. Not noticing crucial things, just carefree and unaware. In a time alone, by myself. Without thoughts, without feelings, without you. It does not discomfort me to know that you’re never going to be there, in my time and space. It just saddens me slightly because I know that you will always be with me in my heart. Lurking at my every turn comforting me on the inside where no one else can touch me. Yet here I stay in my time, with everything passing by, conversations I don’t hear, I just lay in a coma. Waiting for the day that you come and wake me. Make time stand still. Make life worth living. Make me myself again. Back to paying attention, back to living my life, back to you. Your touch, your smell, your taste. I close my eyes and I see you. You are here. Next to me. Holding my hand and kissing my forehead. Your smell, such a divine smell, the smell I wish for every night right before I fall asleep. I’ve imagined it so many times, but here it is, finally, with me now. The senses all fall into place. Your soft touch on my cold hand and your lips finally on mine. Everything comes together in this moment, until I open my eyes and you are gone again. Just a dream, just my imagination getting carried away, once again. It never fails to bring you to me, but when will you actually be here, physically? Soon, I know it. My yearning cannot last forever. I want you body and soul, with me here, and we can share everything together. Life shared between two lone souls. Destined to meet in life and live together. In beautiful harmony. It can’t only be a dream, it just can’t.
Current Music:
Sigur Ros
* * *
Let’s go back, let’s go back in time to where there weren’t any cities, there were only town spread out across miles and miles of country side. Trees still standing tall, blowing in the wind. Grass as tall as your head. No modern machinery. Just working out in the fields everyday, harvesting, growing. Growing just like the crops grow, day turns into week turns into year, multitudes of time pass, and we grow with it. Changing with the seasons. Friendships formed as children, growing with each other, never apart. Forged relationships at birth, never apart except by the gravel road that goes between houses. School is a building with all the kids in town, always together, never apart. The graduating class is only twenty people. Neighbors are close to each other, never apart. We live in a different culture now, where no one is what they used to be, we grow apart, we separate, there are no relationships forged at birth, there is no closeness to speak of. We all live our separate lives, living through the same situations, the same problems, but yet separate. We are not one, not community, all we are now is individuals. Even now, families are different. We sit in front of tvs and eat, not with each other at the dinner table. Conversations that could save father son relationships are not had because of the separateness of the world. Soon enough there will be no contact between us. Everything will be individualized. In the same room, but never speaking, we sit and wait for something, but none of us know what we’re waiting for. The community of us has elapsed, it has gone with the last invention of the fourth generation Iphone. Friends are the acquaintances we have at school, but at home we occupy ourselves in our own lives, not the lives of others. Everything has changed. The people of old would be appalled at where we are today. Honey, I’m home… That phrase is never used. There are more and more single parents. Divorce rules. Nobody stays together, the teens of our age have no hope because of the examples they have been given. Terrible examples. This world has just become so apart. We think we don’t need each other, but we do, deep down, we do. To grow, to develop. To just live, we need contact with other people. But that’s getting taken away from us, and it won’t turn out any better than we think. Life will change, as it always has, and it will keep on changing, but we won’t grow as social people, we will expand our minds in trigonometry and calculus, trying to stuff as much information in, but not getting the social aspect of life. We will become robots. Doing things without emotion. No feeling will exist. Do we really want this?
Current Music:
Track 1 - Sigur Ros
* * *
* * *

Previous